When She Lost Him
by bestdamnthing
Summary: Johanna throughout the years, and her relationship with Finnick Odair. One-shot.


Disclaimer: I don't own anything!

She'd first met him a year after her games. It was her first year as a mentor. In richer districts, they didn't start this earlier, not a year after the games, with the battle scars so fresh, but she was one of the only sane victors of 7 left. She was 17 now, having won the 67th Hunger Games when she was 16. She had of course, seen him on TV, and heard the rumors about him. The rumors about Finnick Odair, last year, had been just as news worthy it seemed as the actual Games. When she first talked to him, she had no intention of liking him. He'd bumped into her while parading around with his flock of Capitol lovers that he'd just acquired last year. He hadn't given her much attention, but Johanna paid attention to him. She didn't know what it was, but after that brief encounter, throughout the games, she paid special attention to Finnick Odair. She didn't study his physique, which she knew to be gorgeous, but she studied his facial reactions to things. That was what intrigued her about Finnick. Not the showy moves or his impressive biceps, but the way his faced moved. The games that year dragged on for an especially long time that year, for which Johanna was thankful for. She studied him at meals and whenever she saw him. Soon enough, she came to the conclusion that he had a secret to hide. She promised herself she would find out what it was. The perfect opportunity opened up one day that year.

She had been walking down the hallway, to get to District 7's control room. She saw him then, coming down, directly in the way she was going. He smiled that cocky smile that Johanna so often saw on his face, but even now, it did not mask the sorrow she had only seen once on his face, and then now. She decided she'd talk to him.

"Finnick Odair." She said, surprised at the clearness of her voice.

"Johanna Mason." He said, tilting his head slightly.

She felt defensive now, for whatever reason, and her posture must have showed that.

"I'm not going to hurt you, dear." Finnick said in that smooth tone she had heard him woo so many others with before. But no, she wasn't going to let him woo her. Not that he was going to try anything. Was he? No. She wouldn't let Finnick Odair past her defenses.

"I could rip your head off before you did." She managed to get out in a steely voice.

Finnick stared at her for a moment, before bursting out in laughter. She didn't see what was so funny. Before thinking, she reached her hand out and slapped him.

"Ouch. What was that for?" Finnick asked in a mocking tone.

"For being a jackass." Johanna said and turned on her feet, going the opposite way. To her surprise, she heard footsteps behind her.

"Johanna. Wait. I'm sorry. It's just funny." He said, catching up to her in no time.

She turned to him. "I don't see what was so funny about that."

He shrugged. "It just was. There isn't much to laugh about here in the capitol anyway. You're genuine Johanna." He smiled what Johanna could only assume was a real smile. She hadn't see this expression before.

"You laugh enough with your harem," Johanna said icily.

"You're smart enough to know those aren't real laughs," He said, his expression now somber. He was right. Somehow, inside of her, Johanna knew those laughs weren't real. But the laugh he just had had was. She only nodded. "You're real, Johanna. I think we could be friends." Finnick continued. Suddenly she remembered her promise to herself to learn Finnick's secret. So she responded accordingly.

And they had become friends. Finnick became the closest friend Johanna had had. Finnick's tribute won that year and Finnick visited Johanna on the victory tour. They laughed and talked. They could go from joking to being serious. They were comfortable. Somehow, they knew each others minds. Somehow, they knew the feelings that the other got. Johanna learned Finnick's secret. It soon became her secret also, but she was glad enough that Finnick had warned her first. They dealt with the pain of it together. They kept up a letter correspondence during the year. By the time the 70th Hunger Games rolled around, Johanna knew something she feared. She loved him. She knew it was real and it frightened her. She realized it halfway to the games, but had denied it. She spent the better part of the time wrestling with herself of what to do about. She cared about him. She knew that she loved him. She was scared though. She had already lost too much. She couldn't lose one more thing. Yet, she knew if she didn't tell him, she'd be lost. With this resolve, she went to the 70th Hunger Games with a plan to tell him.

That year, he took a special interest to one of his tributes. Annie Cresta. Johanna knew from the very first time she saw them together, that she had lost him. She knew it before Finnick knew it. It would take him a couple of years, but Johanna knew it. And she knew there was no stopping it. She knew then, that she'd always be lost, too. Annie won that year. Johanna was glad. She'd rather Finnick with Annie, than a broken Finnick. He was broken enough already. She was still his friend, and she promised herself that she always would be. He never suspected, or at least, he didn't let on.

It was Finnick who had let her in on the plan of the rebellion. And it was Finnick who convinced her to join. She'd do anything for him. When she was captured, she was glad no one knew of her feelings for Finnick, surely they'd use him against her. Her long recovery time in District 13. that the doctors couldn't explain was from heartbreak. Because they'd learned of her feelings for Finnick, and in President Snow's rulebook, nothing was off limits. They'd played recordings of Finnick's screams but they'd eventually stopped when they realized it had no effect on her. She was smart enough to know of the Capitol's ways. What had made the heartbreak stronger was that they didn't hijack her. It sounded stupid and made her feel undeserving, but there was a part of her that wanted them to hijack her against Finnick. Not so she wouldn't feel for him anymore, but because if they did, that would mean she meant something to Finnick. That meant that she was more than just a friend to him. It would mean he cared. But she wasn't enough bait for that. So they'd gotten Annie, which made Johanna even more sorrowful. When she heard Annie scream, she thought of Finnick and how disappointed he would be in her for not keeping Annie safe. In reality, she knew there was nothing she could do, but that didn't stop the guilt.

When they were rescued, Johanna refused to look, refused to let the tears fall when she saw Finnick and Annie embrace. She put on a happy smile when they got married, but she cried that night. Silently, so no one would hear, but she still cried. Because it truly sunk it, what she'd known all these years. Finnick didn't love her. Finnick loved Annie.

When she heard of his death, Johanna remained expressionless in front of people, before locking herself in a closet and crying until she couldn't anymore. She'd finally really truly lost Finnick. Not just to another girl. She'd lost him to death. And that was a million times worse.

She remembered the promise she'd made Finnick before they went into the Quell. She kept it with a vicious honor. She was there, holding Annie's hand when she delivered little Finnick. She took care of both of them, the way Finnick would have wanted it. She kept Annie strong when she couldn't take it. She went to his grave with them every year, holding Annie's hand once again. Annie didn't know. And she'd never know.

Years later, Johanna went to Finnick's grave, alone this time. She sat in front of it and poured out what she wasn't able to years ago.


End file.
